You’ve just been boogered-up!
You just received a bag filled with multiple copies of my newest book, Where a Booger Goes. It’s literally a Bag of Booger Books. And someone just sent you one, which means you’ve been Boogered-up. It’s like leveling-up in video games, but it just happened to you, in life. So, what is this? What should I do with it? Why should I care? And why did I get this in the first place?
What is this?
Your recyclable Bag of Booger Books contains three signed copies of my new children’s book, “Where A Booger Goes.” It is the result of one booger family giving another booger family an opportunity to share in some kindness, fun, and proper hygiene.
What should I do with it?
Upon receiving the Bag of Booger Books, you should take one book for yourself and then give the entire bag of remaining books to someone else. It’s called Boogering-up someone, and the concept is simple.
Your Bag of Booger Books gives you the chance to share random acts of kindness. You received your bag because someone wanted to do something nice for you. My hope is that you will choose to pay it forward and do the same for someone else.
Maybe you give it to the person you sit next to on the bus, a favorite teacher, a neighbor, or, if you want to be really specific, give it to Anshul, that guy who works on the other side of the room in project management. When you get down to it, everyone and anyone could enjoy a good Boogering-up.
What’s the point?
Sharing your Bag of Booger Books gives you an opportunity to spread kindness to someone who may be in need of it. Plus, there’s that handy hygiene message, which some people could really use. In the end, it costs you nothing and could make a positive impact on someone’s life.
Why did I get this?
Well that depends on who you are. Let’s consider the options.
You received this because a teacher responded to a promotion just for teachers on Facebook. That teacher received a Bag of Booger Books, and now they are giving it to you. You should take a book for yourself and pass the bag along to the next person in this chain of random kindness.
You received this because someone bought a Bag of Booger Books and sent it to you. Who sent it? Well, if they didn’t tell you, neither will I. The fact that you don’t know who sent it to you is part of the magic. You don’t need to know who is thinking about you. The important thing that someone is thinking about you. They spent their money on something kind for you, just so you could share in the fun and spread the word about “Where A Booger Goes.”
You are involved with the management of an improv theater. An improv theater is a magical place because it brings together wildly diverse people. In the bestselling book, “The Tipping Point,” Malcom Gladwell discusses a certain group of people he calls “connectors.” These are people who have contacts and acquaintances with an unusually large and diverse group of people. If you own or operate an improv theater, you’re a connector. You may have no interest in a Bag of Booger Books, but I’m willing to bet you know someone who does. True to your nature as a connector, I trust that you will pass this gift along to those who will most appreciate it. If nothing else, I’ve done some of your holiday shopping for you. And who knows, if this type of marketing catches on, people might start sending you all sorts of cool stuff.
You are Malcolm Gladwell and I sent this to you to show how I’ve relied almost exclusively on your book, The Tipping Point, to develop my marketing plan. And, I wanted to introduce a new concept, “the hub”. Hubs fit into the Tipping Point’s framework as a physical place where sticky ideas and information are shared. It’s the geographic equivalent of human “connectors”. For example, the hubs I’m relying on for this book release are improv acting theaters (see paragraph above).
You’re an independent bookstore. You received this Bag of Booger Books for free because I want to establish proof of concept. I don’t want you to give these books away. I want you to put them on your shelves and see if they sell.
There’s already a barcode, so you’re good to go. Commit to an endcap display for one day. If they sell, you can order more directly through my website at BakerAndrews.com and get significant discounts for buying in bulk.
But wait, there’s more! If you are one of the stores who receives a Bag of Booger Books, and if you place a bulk order through my website, I’ll give you exclusive distribution within your metropolitan area. That’s right, I won’t take orders from other bookstores in your city, so you will be the only brick-and-mortar retailer in your market that has copies of these books to sell.
But you need to place your bulk order before another brick-and-mortar retailer in your city catches on. If they beat you to ordering in bulk, I’m afraid that I’ll have to fulfill their order, and that will prevent you from establishing exclusive distribution. So, my advice is to establish proof of concept as soon as possible; and if it works, go to BakerAndrews.com and place your bulk order.
If you buy too many, don’t worry – Black Swan Publishing has an easy return policy. They will give you all your money back and even pay for return shipping. Basically, you have received this Bag of Booger Books so you can establish whether they are a viable addition to your shelves without bearing any of the risk of adding new products to your inventory. If they sell, great. If they don’t, throw them in the pulper. You’ve got nothing to lose, and exclusive distribution to gain.
You are President Barack Obama. Not only are you a Nobel laureate and two-time president of the United States of America, you’re also a two-time Grammy winner for narrating your audiobooks. Most people don’t know that about you. Now, if I won a Grammy, everyone would know it. I’d put it on a necklace, like Flavor Flav, so that everyone I interacted with would be sure to notice. But you’re so cool, you never even bring it up.
I have good news and bad news for you, Mr. President. Here’s the bad news. In 500 years from now, some historians who chronicle human existence will likely comb through the uncharted quantity of digital information and conclude that you were the first African President of a country called America that existed back on Earth. That is to say that while your legacy may be eternal, it will only be as accurate to the facts as the people who write it. Given the discrepancies in the information already available, our interstellar historians might get it right, or they might get it wrong.
But God doesn’t close a door without opening a window. While the accuracy of your legacy in 500 years might morph into something unexpected, the people reading it (or having it beamed into a cybernetic implant) will still have to do something with their boogers. History is fickle, but boogers are forever.
This is your chance to solidify your legacy as the audiobook narrator of “Where a Booger Goes.” I’ll even donate all of the proceeds to the Obama Foundation to support the leaders who are making a difference in some of the world’s most pressing problems. You can be the voice that children throughout the galaxy will hear when learning what to do with the stuff that comes out of their nose. You may not win another Grammy for it, but you will bring a Grammy-level performance to the narration, making this audiobook a permanent, immutable relic of your legacy put forth in your own words. Who knows, in 500 years Obamanex may become standard issue for every space-ration packet.
Even if you don’t believe in my science fiction future of America, you do recognize that you could probably record this book in a day, and in that day’s work you would produce a piece of intellectual property that would pay dividends to the Obama Foundation for decades. It would make more money than I will in actual book sales. It’s an easy, obvious win.
Your first address to the nation was in a school. While some feared you inculcating American’s children with political rhetoric, you message boiled down to be kind, cover your mouth when you cough, and wash your hands. An audio recording of “Where a Booger Goes” would be a perfect bookend to your legacy as America’s 44th President. You can begin and end with a message to children that no rational person could object to.
You’re that cute barista at Kaldi’s in Kirkwood who can do amazing designs with foamed milk. Look, I recognize that I’m a marginally employed author with high-functioning autism who spent four years getting a rhyming book about boogers into iambic pentameter. This probably doesn’t reflect the “Ideal Match” section of your Match.com profile. I get that. But if you give me a chance, I just might be able to introduce you to Barack Obama.
Or, you may not be that barista at Kaldi’s in Kirkwood, but you may be a barista at one of the Kaldi’s in St. Louis. I’m flexible. But I’m sticking to my guns on Kaldi’s.
You’re a young mom living in Canberra Australia. Australians spend more per capita on picture books than any other country. And it just so happens I know a new mom who lives in Canberra, Australia. She agreed to distribute copies of my book to her friends. So, this Bag of Booger Books ultimately came from her. And to thank her, her son Dante now appears in two places in my book. Do you want to have someone be part of my next book? See my blog for a contest to make your pet (and that includes children) in my next book.
Where do the Bags of Booger Books go?
Regardless of how you got this far, I’d love to hear from you. I’m genuinely curious about where these Bags of Booger Books will go.
When I was in grade school, the students had an annual tradition of tying letters to helium balloons and releasing them into the wind. Our hope was that the people who found our letters would respond and tell us how far our balloons had made it. We got letters back from some crazy places. My return letter was from Kansas, which to a first grader in St. Louis may as well have been Cambodia.
So, think of these bags as my environmentally friendly way of sending out balloons with letters. That farmer in Kansas had to write a letter with an actual pen and get a stamp in order to send his reply. You’re already this close to the comments section below, and no postage is needed. Tell me who you are and where you’re from. I can’t wait to see where and with whom the Bags of Booger Books land.
And if you enjoy the experience of being Boogered-up and Boogering-up someone else, you can do it again. Bags of Booger Books are for sale in the shop here on this website. The books are sold at a tremendous discount because you need to buy at least three to get a bag. It might actually be a bigger discount than what I give to bookstores. I don’t know because I’m not good at math.
Is that it?
No. I’m prepared to do you another solid. If you send me an email at Baker@Black-Swan-Publishing.com with your order, I can write custom dedications before I send the bags out. For example, perhaps you want them all to say, “From one mom with a pocket full of tissue to the next.” or, “For the stay-at-home Dad who’s man enough to endure his imaginative daughter’s endless stuffed animal tea parties.”
Or, you can give me a general topic, and I’ll surprise you. Perhaps you want to give the Bag of Booger Books to members of the PTA party-planning sub committee. Great! I can write unique personalized dedications for the common bond you share with other members of that group.
But I can only do fun stuff like this while I still have time. As the holiday season grows near, I’m going to get real busy. Marketing stuff takes a lot of work. So, if you want a special dedication, you need to get in early on this. I can’t guarantee that I’ll have time to write personalized dedications for orders placed after December 1. So, if you want your Bag of Booger Books to come with personalized dedications, you should probably order soon.